1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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