yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
