Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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