I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
