we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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