There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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