i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
