I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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