I cannot find my penis.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
