i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
