How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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