Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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