Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
