I am in a vortex of obligation.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
