I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Someone signed my nipple.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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