all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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