Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
