I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
