did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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