Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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