i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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