Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
