I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
