Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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