I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
