Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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