Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize