Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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