I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
