I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
