i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
