What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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