if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
