that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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