Your face is a jimmy john
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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