Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
