we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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