I hate all girls vehemently.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
