I wish my penis had an off switch
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
