I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
