I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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