:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
