Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
