when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
