Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize