yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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