I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
