Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
