Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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