so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
