When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize