He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize