Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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