you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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