my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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