Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I still have a little drunk in my system
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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