I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
