i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Green mimosas i think yes
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
