Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
