foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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