I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
