Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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