If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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