it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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