chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
