She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
