conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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