I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
